I, for one, enjoy blue sky thinking sessions. My clients are frequently mystified by the activity.
Creating a flashy deck is not all that blue sky thinking is about,
of course. With my 3 months, 4 days, 5 hours, and 22 minutes of
expertise in the women’s hosiery industry, I most certainly make
diligent use of my Googling skills. After all, that’s why they call me
a management consultant. For $850 an hour, I’ll learn whatever language
you want me to learn. Give me a couple of hours and I’ll ‘figure it
out’ while at the same time excluding you from my club filled with
consultant lingo that sounds so sexy.
Let’s take an example of a blue sky thinking session with one of my recent clients:
Imagine several cigar-chomping executives from my hosiery client in
a mahogany-laden conference room dropping bombs and slapping asses like
old fraternity brothers. Practicing their putting game on astroturf,
they are awaiting their highly paid, angelic consultant to walk in and
tell them what they need to do, like maybe targeting buyers in the 7-Eleven burglar stockings
market. When the angel finally arrives, there I am strolling in after 2
hours of sleep fresh off a red eye. While the executives sit in their
high-back leather chairs thinking about my Stanford MBA creds and all
the businesses that I’ve destroyed turned around in the past, they’re thinking they’ve ingeniously saved their asses.
I begin the session by drawing a big circle on the white board using
a brand-spanking-new blue dry erase marker. The fresh, virgin scent
permeates my nostrils and gives me a slight boner; I hide this fact by
facing my powerful audience slightly off-center until my mild hard-on
subsides.
“The circle,” I explain to my executive audience, “represents the
company’s strategic pillars, its main imperatives, its core abilities,
its best talent.”
They nod their heads in consent, naturally. I can’t believe it! This
is going to be easier than snagging half-drunk analyst ass. After all,
it’s a beautiful circle. Already they are starting to sense that my
‘market research’ trips to Dubai are paying early dividends. Why else
would they have agreed to a 16% expenses as a percentage of fees
arrangement (when in reality, I staffed 90% of the project with local
people, as I really did need those $17,500 first class seats. Did you
know that United’s “Global Services” status is really just 1K but you overspend so much that the airline had to think of something new?)
Moving forward, I prompt my audience (hey, why not indirectly ask
the client to solve their own problems?) to begin brainstorming related
business ideas and models. After all, they know this business and I’ve
only managed to trick them into thinking I do too. A river of bullshit
bland and apparently viable ideas are spewing from the executives’
mouths, into my ears, through my hands, and finally into beautifully
crafted fluffy green clouds intersecting the circle. My masterpiece
highlights where the market segments intersect demand.
At this point, the executives are smiling. They think they’ve just
unlocked several untapped secrets to grow their business when what they
really untapped were three bottles of 30 year single-malt scotch and a
humidor of Cubans back at my two-story hotel suite.
In order to beef up their company’s portfolio, they can start
investing in these lateral markets to plant the seeds for long-term
growth (not unlike the newspaper companies investing more heavily in
online and digital advertising. Yep, that was my recommendation! Pretty
fucking genius for a $750,000 two-hour and fifteen minute analyst
Googling session, eh?).
After a few more minutes of deliberation, everyone is smiling, a few
even clapping and making caveman-like grunting noises. At this point, I
say thank you and excuse myself for the little boys’ room so I can piss
out all the bottles of Voss I’ve been drinking (and a little dry heave
from last night’s binge drinking session).
Finally, before leaving the executive suite floor, one of the
executives shakes my hand and tells me he is so excited to have me
helping the company return to profitability. I tell him,
“Why-Thank-You-So-Much,” and hand him the invoice. His smile turns to a
mild horizontal line. I can tell the $$$-signs have registered in his
head and I’ve blown his giddy feelings for the day despite his
new-found sense of self-preservation and job security. He’ll soon
forget about this, and maybe even his wife, after I drop a couple bones
on some well-deserved lap dances for him.
I felt proud walking out of the client site (Time: 1:45 PM on
Wednesday) and heading off to my business class seat in the upper deck
of a 747-400. I
wanted to make it home in time to prep for my night out at the clubs to
pick up a fresh piece of ass to play with for the weekend. I figure if
I’m not in Thailand or Fiji this weekend, I might as well make the most
of my penthouse apartment. I just hope the client pays the firm’s bill
on-time; otherwise, I’ll have some explaining to do to the managing partner about some cash flow issues.

